You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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