i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
