Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
