Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
