just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
