it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We just shotgunned beers for America
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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