A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
