So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
