you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
