I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
