omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He better not be in your backpack
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
