Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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