he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
