a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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