capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
