well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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