I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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