I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
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