he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
