i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The power of my boobs compel you
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
