Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
