I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My vagina is officially offended.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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