I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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