Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
nutella sex= disaster
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
