We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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