GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
