were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize