It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
