He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
whose parrot is this?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
