So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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