i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
