Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
sex in a hospital.. check
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry about my life...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize