Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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