good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
