So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
