I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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