i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
