I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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