My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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