Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it's like heaven, but drunker
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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