I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
