I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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