last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
