i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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