Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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