I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
