i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize