my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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