Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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