She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
