Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
