all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What a dumb baby whore.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize