I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
