All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
