Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
