She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
