i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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