I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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