Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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