She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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