HIV tests are more positive than that guy
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
did i walk over a car last night?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
