Princesses don't give blow jobs
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
