I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
