This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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