my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
