"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
