I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
