apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
